How to Help a Friend Who Is in an Abusive Relationship

As our series of articles from the Campus Sexual and Relationship Violence Center ends, and Domestic Violence Awareness Month reaches its conclusion, we encourage everyone to continue to give thought about domestic and relationship violence throughout the year. So, continue to be mindful of domestic and relationship violence awareness, as it is important to not only understand some dynamics of such violence, but also to be ready to help a friend or family member who may be the victim. 

There are some signs that may cause you some concern and to wonder if someone is in an abusive relationship. If you feel such concern, it is likely with reason. Some common indicators of an abusive relationship may include, but are not limited to:

• They seem to be isolated away from you and others or stop spending time with friends/family
• They are making excuses for their partner's behavior
• They have unexplained injuries or bruises, or seem to be having lots of accidents
• They change their style (clothing, hair, behavior, taste in music, etc.) to please their partner
• They seem to feel depressed, anxious or other noticeable changes in their personality
• They worry about making their partner angry or upset
• Their partner appears to be very jealous or possessive
• Their partner insults them or makes fun of them in front of others
• Their partner seems to call all the shots, makes all decisions
• Their partner constantly speaks on their behalf

It can be very distressing to think that someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship. There may be concern for their safety and well-being. Each situation and person will be different, but some actions for consideration are:

• Talk with the person you are concerned about. Find a time when you can address your concerns with your friend in private and without distractions. If possible, it is better to meet in person. Let them know that you care about them and are supportive of them. Express that you are concerned for them and their safety. Be open and honest about why you feel the way you feel. Let them know why you are worried and give examples of what causes you to worry. 
• Be supportive no matter what choice they make. Listen and let them know that you will continue to be there for them no matter what decision they make. Offer to help in whatever way you can. Ask what help you can be for them. Offer to assist them with finding help and going with them to talk with an advocate or resource person. Never place shame, guilt or blame. Don't say things such as, "You just need to leave." Rather, reaffirm that you are worried about their safety and let them know that you understand it is difficult to make decisions, but you will support them no matter what they decide to do.
• Assist them with finding resources for help. Offer to help get more information about abusive relationships, or to call a victim advocacy organization to learn more about how to leave an abusive relationship. Help your friend create a safety plan, but first learn more about safety plans and leaving domestic and relationship abuse. Encourage your friend to reach out to victim service providers, whether by calling a national hotline or visiting with a local agency. Offer to be supportive in whatever way they would like for you to be with accessing resources.
• If they decide to leave the relationship, offer ongoing support after they leave. Once a person leaves an abusive relationship, they will continue to need support for a while. Check in regularly with your friend. Offer to help in whatever way they need help. Sometimes it is difficult for people to share what help they need. So, consider making some suggestions for helping such as taking a meal to them, giving them a ride to work or class. If children are involved, offer to watch the kids for a bit or to take them to the park to play for a while. Just because the person has left the relationship, they will still need support and help as they build a new normal within their life. 
• If they are not ready to leave the relationship, continue to be supportive. Not everyone will be ready to leave a relationship now. Let your friend know that you will respect their right to make what decision they make and will continue to be there for them regardless of that decision. Remember, even though you may not agree with their decision, and it can be worrisome to continue to see a friend in an abusive relationship, if you sever the relationship, then you will not be there when your friend is ready to leave. Take care of yourself and talk with a trusted person or counselor about your own feelings about this, but continue to be available, open, honest and supportive. That way when they are ready, they will be able to rely on you.

As October ends, don't let awareness of domestic and relationship violence cease as well. To learn more or to discuss concerns about a possible abusive relationship, many resources are available. The SRVC has nationally certified victim advocates who can help identify resources throughout campus and the local community. Peace at Home is the local domestic violence shelter and agency in Fayetteville. Also available is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).